Kimberly Helm

michaelmarchesan asked: Of course we can go! I warn you though, it is a monstrous hike of like 10 miles round trip, and roughly 3 hours :)

That’s ok! I’m totally down. I think I will be in SCV next Wednesday (the 30th). Are you busy?

Protege of the Condemned

I can say with confidence that she did her very best. A product infidelity, a slave to her own psyche…raped and dismissed, I swear she did her very best.  The daughter of a whore, the protege of the condemned, can only go so far.  In my mind’s eye, I see her on the edge of a recessed bridge, tears steaming, detaching from her body, falling into the natural abyss.

She clings to the passerby and begs him to save her.  She’ll be anything he wants her to be.  She’s a hit; he’ll take her. Hell, he’ll even love her. For the night.

With the morning light, he’ll leave.  She understands quite well: the sane will never stay.

That was many moons, and many boxes of wine ago.

And as I stare down at her motionless body, there isn’t much to say behind nine year old eyes. Laying in the hallway, surrounded in pool of her own vomit… at least she had a daughter to love her.

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O.

http://osorhan.com/bigo/index.php

It’s funny how seemingly light children’s books can take on such depth when experienced with an older perspective.

FE

I completed the FE Exam!! I feel like a champ. Although I’m not completely confident that I passed because I went in cold, I will say that it’s very passable with a little preparedness.  It was much more basic than I anticipated.  If I have to retake it, I’ll definitely pass it the next time.  The October exam date is on my birthday, though, so the universe clearly has no choice but to pass me along this time around. :)

It’s a beautiful life.

I’m pretty sure this started as a legitimate thought and at some point turned into a diary entry..by accident.

Coworker: Did you go out yesterday?

Me: Sadly no, I had to work. But, I did go to a bridal shower for my best friend, which was really fun. She’s getting married in two months.  She’s been going out with her fiance for like 8 years. 

Coworker: Oh. That’s like her whole life.  I knew someone once that married his highschool sweetheart. He just woke up one day and decided he wanted to date more than one person in his life and filed for divorce.  They even had a kid. Just goes to show you that all men are jerks.

Me: *Awkward shifty eyes* Oh, errr, …what did you do last night?

Coworker: Stayed at home with my boyfriend.  He wanted to rent a movie and we went to 5 Red Boxes to get the movie I wanted, but they didn’t have it. I’m not going to watch a movie other than the movie I wanted to watch, so we didn’t get one.

Me: *Pause**Contemplates coworkers humanity* …. Hm, what movie?

Coworker: “Everything Falls Apart”

Me: …. :|

THAT’S THE GIRL! That’s the kind I was talking about. [See “As Anti-feminist As It Sounds…” blog.]  I wish people focused half the energy they consume with self pity into trying to open themselves to love other people.

At some point when I was younger I remember reading a quote that, although I don’t remember the exact words anymore, could be surmised by stating that growth is only possible through suffering.  It’s easy to blame our perceived romantic inadequacies on the opposite sex.  All men are jerks.  He doesn’t deserve me. I could do so much better.

Actually, he’s a pretty phenomenal person. You are too.  We’re all the same amount of beautiful, and this happened to not work out. That’s ok.  How meaninful that you had the opportunity to love in the first place.  So yes, you got hurt.  You really liked him. Maybe you loved him.  It’s a lovely thing to hurt: it means at somepoint you prioritized the risk over your emotional vulnerablity. You lived. Congratulations. Now you have opportunity to grow through your suffering.  There is just too much of life to appreciate, to spend even a second being anything less than passionately in pursuit of all the beautiful things that life has to offer.

This is where I get off my high horse. *Plop* End rant.

The few times I’ve communicated this next thought, the recipient thought I was being a total Negative Nancy and being a crazy. So naturally, I’ll post it to all of Tumblr: If the right energies in the universe came together and no man was ever attracted to me again—maybe I’m in accident, or my looks have become ridiculously out of style—whatever it may be, I would be ok.  Don’t get me wrong—I love the passion of romance, probably more than most people.  I love everything about it—the emotion, the physicality, the hurt, the fulfillment.  But, I also feel so preoccupied by finding fulfillment from the connections in strangers, in friends, in any sect of humanity that I possibly can, that I’m no longer much concerned if I can fulfill (or be fulfilled by) someone romantically. 

I also feel so blessed by the relationships that I’ve been in, that I feel almost as if I can’t ask for anymore.  I’ve already been given so much.  I’ve ballroom danced on the edge of the ocean to no music.  I’ve listened to the sound of a boy learn my favorite song on the guitar and sing it outside my door with a voice shakey from nerves.  I’ve seen a man on one knee.  And, I’ve seen him get back up.  I’ve communicated immaturely, and I’ve taken for granted.  I’ve been passionate, and stoic… and it’s quite possible I’ve made far more mistakes than I have good decisions in relationships.  But damn, through everything I gave it my all.  And, so did you. You, in the plural.  Those of you who have put everything you had into trying to make it work, and were there to catch all my investments in you.

I can do nothing but look back and smile on every detail of it.